Breaking Up and Separating could be Hard

After the breakup, do you still think about the happy times you had together from time to time? You may never have imagined that one day you and your partner would become strangers. No matter who initiated the breakup, it can be incredibly heartbreaking.

While we all wish to have an immediate relief from pain, there seems to be no magic solution. It takes time. But there are some ways that could help us suffer less and put ourselves together, despite the loss.

What are the feelings of breaking up?

The pain of separation consists of complex emotions and each has its own meaning. Below are some common emotional reactions you may experience:

• Sadness: It is common for us to feel sad and lonely, and to cry a lot. At times, you may feel an intense need to resume contact with your ex-partner. It may be especially distressful on some special days or moments, such as anniversary date.
• Fear: It may be difficult to imagine life without your beloved, particularly if you have grown dependent on each other. Some may even worry that they cannot love again.
• Anger: You may experience resent your partner for making your life so miserable.
• Self-blame and guilt: You may blame yourself for what went wrong. You may replay about the relationship over and over again and wonder if you could have done things differently to prevent this. Your self-esteem may suffer a serious blow if you perceive yourself as being ‘rejected’ or ‘abandoned’. On the other hand, you may feel guilty if you were the one who chose to end the relationship.
• Confusion: Life could be very different without the significant other. You might seem to have lost your bearings and purposes in life amidst the emotional turmoil.
• Numbness: While one might expect feelings like sadness, numbness is a common reaction following a shocking event.

Apart from the feelings, physically, you may find yourself unable to stop and rest, feeling restless and agitated. Sleep is often hard to come by and exhaustion may quickly follow, but you still cannot rest. After separation, some may also, out of habit, do things related to their ex-partners as well. When memories are triggered, you may feel that life has suddenly become out of order in an emotional turmoil.

At first, your feelings may be more intense, almost unbearable, and the physical responses may be more frequent. Fortunately, this intensity will not last forever. Reflecting on what has been lost helps us make sense of these experiences and find a way through them.

Reflecting on what has been lost 

Each relationship is unique. What has been lost after a break-up may be personal and different for everyone. These examples may prompt you to add some more of your own:

• Companionship, friendship, shared memories and activities
• Intimacy, physical closeness, sex
• Appreciation and feedback
• Pleasure in another person or things; laughter, humour
• Routine, structure, familiarity
• A family, a home, a language, a culture, a way of communication
• Security, safety, stability, peace of mind, and ability to rest and to relax
• Trust in others, in yourself, in the world
• Self-confidence and self-esteem
• Certainty; a sense of continuity
• Freedom to be yourself and be independent
• Hopes of success; being able to look forward to things
• Expectations of help or support; of sharing responsibilities
• Opportunities for setting things right; for saying what you thought or felt
• Role, status, or position

The grief of breaking up may not only be due to the loss of the special someone, but also the loss of the memories, habits and values. Reflecting the personal impacts of the separation may help you understand the complex emotions you felt, making sense of your pains.

What can you do to go through the journey of breakup?  

Living with the memory

Most of us think that blocking out the memories and forgetting our ex-partners may help relieve the pain of loss. However, the past experiences you spent with the beloved formed some parts of us such as our thoughts, attitudes, reactions and preferences, be they good or bad. These changes become a part of us when the relationship ends.

Therefore, forcing ourselves to forget the other person or erase the memories does not actually help us ease the pain of a breakup. Since the experience is unforgettable, it is better to try to sort out the memories, accept your past, and cherish the good times you once had.

Coping with the emotions and feelings 

Breakup can trigger complex emotions. Attending to and expressing your feelings might help you make sense of them and assimilate the changes in life. How you express feelings is sort of a personal choice: some might wish to talk to others while some might write letters (which you may or may not choose to send), drawing or writing journal entries. These “loss rituals” help get our feelings out and letting go.

Learning from the experiences 

Some may like to reflect and learn from the break-up. During the re-examination, we might find that it takes both parties to make a relationship work. It would seem unfair to attribute the failure to one person alone. Even though your partner may have been the one who initiated the breakup, it does not mean that you are the ‘culprit’, failure or unworthy. Objectively analyzing the situation and learning from it will help you get over the pain more easily.

Maintaining your daily routine 

Dealing with losses might take its toll on your bodies and our minds. Structuring our time to eat sensibly, exercise can keep us healthy and help us organize our lives.

In this period, you may not be as productive as usual and it helps to be patient with ourselves. Please take breaks when needed.

Nurturing yourself 

As we are adjusting, spend some time each day doing pleasurable activities to continue enjoying important things in life.

Finding sources of support 

Mobilizing your support system – do not be afraid to ask for help. When you are feeling low, seek support from trusted ones, friends and family who can listen to and accompany you. As you express your thoughts, you can sort out your feelings. Sharing your thoughts offers you the opportunity to ventilate your emotions, your friends and family can also provide you with alternative perspectives as well as support and encouragement.

Seeking professional help 

If nothing you do seems to make you feel better, you can consider making an appointment with a counsellor at the Wellness and Counselling Centre or approaching other professionals for help. You may refer to the following guidelines for deciding when to seek professional help:

• If those close to you think you need professional support – please consider their views as we all might have difficulty to judge own needs at some points of time;
• If you feel utterly lonely, and none of your sources of support are helpful or available;
• If over a period of 6 months or more, you have been feeling completely stuck, making no progress either with your feelings or with adjusting to your new life;
• If deep depression has continued over an extended period of time without any sense that it is getting better;
• If you are seriously considering harming yourself or doing away with yourself, you should see a doctor, or someone you trust immediately.

The ending of a relationship is something that many people may go through at one time or another. While it might be painful to experience it at the moment, this feeling will pass with time. At the same time, you will find that it is an opportunity to deepen your self-understanding and grow. We are here to support you in this difficult time.

Reference:

Butler, G., Grey, N., & Hope, R. A. (2018). Loss and bereavement. In Managing your mind: the mental fitness guide (pp.579-601). New York, NY, US: Oxford University Press.