Tango of Love

The right person has finally walked into your life. From an initial attraction to ambivalence towards developing intimacy to finally making a commitment, you may be overwhelmed by excitement and curiosity during the process. However, when the romance and passion subside, challenges may arise from learning to cope with an intimate relationship. The following thoughts may cross your minds:

• “How come falling in love and dating are not as sweet as I had imagined?”
• “Why can’t he ever understand what I am thinking about? It’s so frustrating!”
• “Uh, we already meet every day. But we still have to talk for hours on the phone each evening. How exhausting it is!”
• “He would rather spend time with his friends and family. Does he really love me?”
• “At the beginning of our relationship, he cared so much about me and asked me out every single day. Besides picking me up and walking me home, he called several times a day. Now, his attitude is totally different. His passion has cooled down and I doubt whether he still loves me …”
• “I feel jealous every time I see her talking cheerfully with other boys!”

When you encounter the above situations, will you choose to share your thoughts and feelings frankly with your partner or just hide and suppress them? Will you try to put yourself in their shoes, or just keep grumbling and criticizing?

What “happily ever after” in romance movies doesn’t depict is the maintenance and growth of a relationship, as well as the importance of communication and understanding. We may hold a lot of fantasies and expectations about romantic relationship in the past. Once you are truly engaged in one, it can be a different experience. Similar to tango dancing, love requires both of you to move proximately but in smooth and synchronized steps. To build a long-lasting relationship, partners need to communicate openly, share and adapt to each other’s values and life goals, and be considerate. The following are keys to maintaining a healthy relationship:

Learn to Appreciate

Have reasonable expectations on your partner. Do not expect to change them or focus only on their shortcomings. Try to appreciate their merits and accept their imperfection. At the same time, we also need to understand that our partner is also learning how to be accepting.

For example, if your partner is more introverted and not very social, you can try to appreciate their introverted qualities – such as being good listeners and having deeper contemplation – rather than demanding them to become more extroverted. Similarly, you can also accept their discomfort in social situations, rather than criticizing them for it.

Listen Attentively

Do not expect that your partner can read your mind or understand all your thoughts or vice versa even though you have been together for a long time. Open and congruent communication is the key to a healthy relationship. To increase understanding and trust, listen attentively to your partner’s thoughts and feelings.

For example, if you notice that your partner has been under a lot of stress recently, instead of assuming that it’s solely due to academic pressures, you can proactively show concern. When listening, don’t rush to offer advice, but instead focus on understanding and empathizing.

Handle Conflicts

As time goes by, conflicts may arise due to differences in habits and opinions. It’s normal to have conflicts, the key is how to address them and reach a consensus through communication. The aim of communication is not on assigning blame or persuasion, but on achieving mutual understanding.

Try to consider problems objectively, convert vague and personal attacks into concrete and constructive ideas. Use “I” to express your feelings and avoid using “You” to accuse others. For example, “If we can spend some more time together during weekends, I will be very happy.” Try to put yourself in their shoes and understand that encountering disagreement does not mean that they do not love you.

Live a Balanced Life

Relationship is not your everything. Your own needs should not be neglected as you attend to those of your beloved one. Your partner can by no means satisfy all your wants and expectations. It is also important to keep your own social circle, develop your personal interests, as well as manage your multiple responsibilities appropriately. Do not become preoccupied with your romance.

Living in harmony with your partner forever might be the ideal outcome, but there will inevitably be challenges on the road to love. We can take this opportunity to learn how to love and be loved, savour sweet moments and face life’s challenges hand in hand, and enjoy the tango of love.

If relationship issues are causing distress, you are welcome to make an appointment at the Wellness and Counselling Centre to talk with our counsellors.